Originally Posted by
CAgirl9 
Thank you all.
Hanna - yes we don't have much of a relationship. He's refused to go to marriage counseling and my therapist said he doesn't think it will work at this point because RAH doesn't seem to be working a program. RAH is still shifting blame on me for everything. Therapist said if and when I do move forward with a divorce that I need to be prepared to be blamed for it. My therapist thinks RAH is pushing me to file for divorce so he can be the victim. It seems my only option is divorce - I'm slowly accepting that reality. It's really tough. I feel like my choice is the lesser for two evils - A divorce (hate to put my 14 yr DD through that) or try to find a way to cope/thrive in this marriage.
Thanks!
I've never been married but feel like I've been through at least two divorces; my parents' and my brother's. I also have a good friend going through something very similar. I know that despite all of her efforts, she feels a great deal of pain, guilt and sorry surrounding her marriage. Anyone can see that she was left with no options, but she hasn't forgiven herself yet. So I think you can pretty much know you will be blamed and anticipate that you will need to do a great deal of work to heal from this situation, but I also believe there is a way to mitigate this by being clear with him before taking action.
I would write him a letter and deliver it via email. In it I would lay out the conditions for remaining married in simple, positive and non-judgmental language.
"I would like to work together to strengthen and heal our marriage and believe this is essential to our continuing to remain together.
I am willing to continue our marriage as long as we attend marriage counseling and each have individual therapy."
That kind of language. Not "I'm going to file for divorce unless xyz."
The conditions would include joint marriage counseling along with individual counseling for both of you. I would set a deadline for this work to begin, along with a minimum amount of sessions per month for each of you.
He's likely going to decline, but you will have it in writing for yourself that you gave the option to work on things. Having that would help me personally to always remember that I tried.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's very sad but it does sound like you need to make some decisions and take some action to make changes in your life.