RAH is also very cold to me and is usually very short with me when we do talk face to face. I would like to set a boundary about how he treats me but again not sure what to say as a consequence. Suggestions?
It doesn't seem like RAH is really working a program of recovery. I would like to set a boundary that comminucates I will not stay in this relationship unless he starts seeing a therapist/counselor or enters some intense recovery program. I don't want to try to control him but I just can't live like this anymore. Is that a fair boundary? How should I phrase it?
Boundaries aren't really for him, they're for you. Boundaries are you saying to yourself, "This is unacceptable in my relationships," and then being prepared and willing to move on that statement. All these things you're planning on telling him, I assume you've told him all these things before. You're unhappy, you're tired of being threatened, you're tired of the manipulation and verbal abuse. He knows all that. He has all this information already. You don't need to communicate it to him again.
If, ultimately, the boundary is that if these things don't change you're leaving, then say it to yourself and live your life. You're putting the onus on him. Why not take back your power and make this decision for yourself?