Jodie,
I am so sorry for your loss. have you had any bereavement counseling? It helped me so much. Grief requires a special kind of counseling, I think. Guilt is a big part of grief, one of the five stages. If can you, please see about getting some face to face time for this with a specialist. If you call your local hospital's social services department, they might be able to make a referral for you. it's usually short term. I had six sessions and it helped me immensely.
I hope this helps.
Love from Lenina