triggers
ive discovered two triggers this week.
1. seeing my best friend drink. She rarely ever drinks and when she does its usually with me. she always goes out of her way to let me know she can go out that night and she would want me to drink with her. On the weekend .. she didnt call me. she didnt tell me she was able to go out and when we met up she looked so guilty when she saw me. her face dropped and she said hi im drinking tonight. when i saw that drink in her hand i just wanted to ask her for a shot. My whole body wanted the drink right then and there but i didnt ask for a drink. i said oh cool.. dont get too drunk now. I hate having that feeling like i cant even control myself. I really almost grabbed her drink my body twitched lol. it pissed me off.. i **** myself off. and im jealous of everyone that can drink socially. why did i have to become an alcoholic? why couldnt I be a social drinker?
2. Beautiful sunny days.
days are getting warmer and the sun is shining brighter. this is a major trigger. during summer I usually go swimming during the day then go to buy beer after that n drink all night til morning. i know im going to miss doing that. i know ill want to go to buy beer on those sunny days and it hurts me to know that this year is going to be a struggle. my birthday is on canada day for crying out loud. Everyone around here drinks that night.( my bestfriend and I share the same birthday as well.) My best friend is already talking about how shes going to drink on our birthday and how big of a party it is. I dont think she understands how much that bothers me. that im going to be sober and shes talking about all the fun im going to be missing out on .
Im just a little annoyed with myself right now, mainly because im jealous of everyone. I have no children and all my friends have kids. Im used to them being jealous of me for being able to go out and do whatever i want when i want. Now im jealous that they arent trapped in alcoholism like i am . I see it as they can do what they want when ever they want and im the one who is trapped in this F**kn disease.