DoubleDragon

Hey everyone. I first want to say that I absolutely love reading through these forums, as it acts as as a form of therapy for me. I've been going through some dark times in my life over the past few weeks, and I know that if I don't stop drinking, things will be getting even darker.

I'm not sure how many people actually read these "initial" posts, but I think it makes me feel better to write things out so I can .. you know, get it out. My alcoholism has been progressively getting worse through the years, and it's at a point now where I would drink every night if I could get away with it. I have a girlfriend who is not much of a drinker at all, and we get into fight after fight because of my drinking. I come from a large family of drinkers, and not to make excuses, but it's what I was exposed to from an early age. The people I hung out with in high school were drinkers, and after taking that first drink in the eleventh grade, I knew that I enjoyed it. I immediately came out of my shell, became more outgoing (it seemed like a good thing, but obviously I'm sure that it wasn't), and seemed to make friends more easily. I'm naturally a quiet person, and I liked the effects alcohol had on me.

Throughout my 20's, my drinking became worse and worse. I was always involved in martial arts and was quite obsessive about it, which was great and it prevented me from going off the deep end with my drinking for a few years, but eventually due to injuries I quit and drinking became my only hobby. I've done so many incredibly stupid things while drinking, I can't even begin to describe them. I've had to get surgery due to injuring myself while drinking, costing thousands of dollars and having to spend weeks in a hospital.. I've driven while WASTED, I've been many places and done many things with questionable people.. things I totally regret. Alcohol has been my enemy for such a long time.

Anyway, I really need to stop. I went to a few AA meetings but I can't get into them, it is definitely not for me and I just feel uncomfortable there. To be honest, I get creeped out with most things to do with religion.. I'm not atheist, but I don't necessarily believe in organized religion and I feel I can't get past that, even to obtain any benefit from participating in AA. I have read through the Rational Recovery / AVRT information and it seems to be great, although I suppose I have an incredibly persuasive "Beast" that I've yet to conquer.

I've taken the first step to possibly going and talking to a counselor, and I think I'll go see her in a couple of weeks. I plan to regularly post on these forums, and continue reading through them every day as I find it helps me greatly. I really feel like I can beat alcoholism. I have quit on two seperate occasions in the past year, for over a month at a time, and they were both incredible. A major problem I have is admitting to my family and friends that I have this problem; I find it too embarassing. I've gone to social gatherings and pretended to drink in the past.. at first it was the non-alcoholic beer, then I switched to non-alcoholic wine.. but I eventually resorted to drinking the real beer again. I just want to quit under the radar, without the awkwardness surrounding me being labelled as an alcoholic. It's very important to me, and I feel like I have to quit on my own without the drama involved in involving other people, or even making other people aware.

Anyway, thanks again for all of your posts. I get a lot of ambition from them, as I'm sure many other people do.

Take care everyone.