Hi Stryped,
Hope you got some sleep.
Here's what i picked up:
1) You had a horrible episode, and you can't believe it was you who did those things.
2) You're embarrassed and uncertain how your spouse feels about all this.
3) You are just realizing that you cannot control alcohol.
4) You are trying to keep up appearances, but you also realize that you have to change.
5) Your mind is overwhelmed with
(a) the detox from alcohol
(b) the embarrassment
(c) the fear of what to do
(d) uncertainty of who you can trust in discussing this
(e) uncertainty of how to live each minute because the coping mechanism of alcohol can't be used.
If that's true, then you are in a very fragile situation.
I'm unable to figure out the best thing for you to do, i'm not close enough to the situation, and i don't know your family and work environment, and i don't know your personality.
But my impression is that you're very very stressed, and your mind is working very very fast. And that can add more problems.
So, one set of actions for you to consider is:
1) You cannot change the past. Try to Emotionally accept the situation, and when your mind starts trying to go over past events, try to stop that thinking.
2) Don't drink at all for 30 days. Alcohol is very harmful in stressful situations. It is not a mental, calming escape. It actually creates anger, frustration and despondency 24 hours after the final drink. Alcohol like a credit card purchase. You will have to pay it back, and with a high interest charge. And your situation is worsened once a few days pass.
3) Take a walk each and every day. Your body is stressed and agitated and wants escape. A walk helps alleviate that.
4) Eat well. Buy V8, GoLean bars, multivitamins, 8 Grain bread, tomatos, carrots, turkey. Drink lots of water. Drink Gatorade. One reason your mind won't give you rest is because your body has a lot of toxins in it. (This is the "paying back your past alcohol intake is like paying off your credit card." )
5) Educate yourself on this. Read the "Best of SoberRecovery" at the bottom of these forums. Read the many stories others like you have written. Read a book like "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp, or Pete Hamill's book. You'll realize that millions of us have been in a similar (and worse) situation as you, and that it can get better. But it won't get better unless you make definate, concrete behavioral changes.
Go on Wikipedia.org and read about the many people who died from alcoholism.
Watch a DVD like "Flight".
6) Go to an AA meeting. Let others show you the way out of this confusing house of mirrors.
You need to expect that your emotions will be everywhere. You'll be angry, frustrated, frightened, confused, euphoric, despondent. Expect that. That the interest payments for past alcohol use.
It takes time to work through this.
I know it's hard.
Taking actual steps, like buying good food, taking walks, reading will help calm you down, and is the first steps to getting out of this.
Best of luck.
Keep posting EVERYDAY. SoberRecovery is a wonderful community of people who care about you, and want to give back because those before us gave so much to help us (RIP CarolD).