dhejia

Hello everyone,

For years I have tried to quit drinking, to moderate my drinking, to plan on going into rehab only to have excuse after excuse as to why I a can't.

For years I have prayed for strength, for control, for I dare say, higher intervention.

Well, that time has come. Last week I lost my wallet, and unfortunately I am on assignment in New Mexico, yes, New Mexico. I have been here for about 3-4 months, and have regular stores I go to to purchase my drink of choice. Because I am a scared someone will notice how often I purchase my drinks, I try to hit up my different stores on certain days, you know regularly.

Well, for some reason, each place has carded me, even though I have been going there for a while. No one will sell me anything, hell I even got carded for cigarettes, even though I am damned near 40.

At first I laughed, at the situation, at the timing, at the fact that I never loose my wallet, just DAMN. Then day 2 came, then 3, 4, finally a week. Still waiting on my replacement license to come and its been a week. Soooo, I am sober by force, not by my own courage or strength. (Not yet that person standing in the shadows of the store waiting to ask someone to buy for me)

The thing is, when I get my license, will I stay sober or go back? I am terrified to get my license. I look in my mailbox and breath a sigh of relief when its not there, then become pissed because its not. But, lately I have been doing different things outside my little box I have created of isolation because of my drinking. I hated to go out to drink of fear of DUI, or worse, so I just would stay at home. But now, I am starting to feel alive again, to want to get out and do things, but at the same time I, i don't know, miss the drink, the false sense of freedom, peace I felt with it.

I don't know. Thanks for listening.