Liz, I had a great session with my therapist yesterday and your post has left me really thinking.
She is seeing a cycle that I can not. She explained that my husband can be very sweet and loving, which makes me forget the ugliness every time. See, I want to be loved by him. For a long time, I really needed his love and validation. I want we had before addiction. But more recently, I am noticing the ugliness is erasing the loving times. That is progress for me. In a sense, its a cycle of abuse. They know us better then we know ourselves and we have become so easy to manipulate (sometimes not even consciously for them).
A healthy relationship does not have ugliness. Wow, such a foreign concept for me now. How sad is that!!
ETA - I am no saint and have been a big player in the ugliness as well!!