comingoutsober

So I am in the midst of a relapse. But this is the scariest one I've experienced. So I just had an appointment with my doctor and we discussed my alcohol abuse and we came to a plan to help me quit.

So the next day (today) I had vowed to not drink tonight. But when my normal "drinking time" came around (about 7 o'clock), this urge just came over me. It wasn't even an urge, but a compulsion. I kind of disassociated from myself and even felt that kind of buzzed feeling and all I could focus on was getting a drink. Of course I caved in and bought the booze.

I'm thinking about the episode and I wonder what would have happened if I didn't drink. Would I have gone into a seizure? I've never had withdrawal symptoms before other than being a little shaky in the morning.

So now I'm terrified to stop because I don't know what will happen. I'm too afraid to ask for help because I have so much shame associated with my alcohol abuse. Literally nobody [I]really[I] knows how much I actually drink. I'm just terrified and welcome any advice/anecdotes/etc. from people here.

Thank you in advance.