Flujays - I completely symathize with what ou are going through. I have said and done horrible things when I've been drunk - things I could never ever think I would say to a person I love. I have beens suicidal after nights like that, feeling worthless and filled with so much self-loathing. I've even envisioned running my car into a highway pillar because my husband and son would be better off without me.
But you know what stopped me? The fact that my actions (suicide) would be worse on my boys than me be brave enough to stop drinking and be the best person, mom and wife I could be for them. My sister - to whom was on the receiving end of one of my worst nights (and whom I still cannot beleive forgave me) once told me when I apologized to her - "thank you for the apology. but not ever drinking again will show me your truly sorry". And she is so very right.
Hugs. You will get through this. Go to an AA meeting, be surrounded by those of us who know what you're feeling and going through. Only you can make the decision to not drink. Good luck!