Drinking To Me
I feel like drinking, in our society, is far too entrenched. I remember when I was a child and my parents both having drink after drink in the living room, listening to music and watching hockey games. All of my uncles and aunts were drinkers; my cousins, the same. In high school, you weren't cool unless you drank.
I first had alcohol in the summer of the eleventh grade, when I split on a bottle of wine with a friend. Instantly, I felt the effects. I am a quiet person by nature, not one to enjoy being in the spotlight, and not one to easily talk to a girl. After several drinks of wine, however, all of that seemed to change. I gained confidence, and people began to notice me. This, of course, seemed like a good thing in my drunken, irrational state, but of course it was a result of me making a fool of myself and acting so differently.
Throughout university, my drinking seemed to escalate, but it didn't seem like an issue at that time. I was out drinking between 4 and 5 nights per week, but I was on par with the rest of my friends who would do the same. I would never drink alone, and there was always an excuse to go out and drink (dollar shots, wing night, cheap pool night, a band playing, and so on). I never needed much of an excuse, and never turned down an invitation to go out and have fun.
Fast forward a few years, I'm in my mid 20's and my drinking has steadily increased. It's not as fun as it used to be, being drunk. Also, it takes much more alcohol to have me feeling much of anything. The habit is being ingrained deeper and deeper; I couldn't imagine not drinking on a Friday or a Saturday night, it would feel like a wasted weekend. Even if I was hungover from the previous night, if I could somehow wrestle down my first beer or two, I'd be good to go for the rest of the night. I've always been into working out, lifting weights and trying to maintain an active, healthy lifestyle, but of course everything has been taking a back seat to my drinking. It's the way it is, it's the way I am. It's what I know. My father is undeniable an alcoholic, my mother is right up there with him. Half of my close relatives are alcoholics; I'd say as many as 75% have a clear drinking problem.
I've tried to quit many, many times in the past. The countless times I've almost been caught drinking and driving. The time I injured myself so badly that I required surgery and weeks in the hospital, not to mention costing myself thousands of dollars I didn't have. Countless times being unfaithful to past girlfriends with people I really didn't care about. So many hazy nights, after heavy drinking marathons, going to places I should not be, with people I should not be with, many times driving myself, always lying, always cheating, always stealing. I'm a different person when I'm drinking. I don't want to be that way, but it's erasing my soul.
I'm in my early 30's now, and the lies, cheating, and deceit continue. I'd drink every night if I could get away with it. I feel like I'm alone in this world, although I know many of you are battling with the same demons I am. Although my family are heavy drinkers, none are recovered, or even bother with admitting they have problems. Maybe they aren't aware that they have problems, but it's clear they do. I don't know anyone in AA, I don't know anyone who doesn't drink, really. I have no interest in AA, I have no interest in religion or making "amends". All I know is I want to stop drinking. I quit for about a month, on two separate occasions, and it was fantastic. My thoughts were clearer, my head was in less of a haze, my memory improved, I felt more energetic, more alive. When my binge drinking ramps up even heavier than normal, I am prone to anxiety attacks, and depression always shows it's terrible face.
Basically, I'm in a position in my life where I don't feel comfortable going to anyone for help, or admitting to my family that I have a problem. When I quit drinking the last couple of times, I did it without anybody really noticing and that was fine by me. I think these forums are great. I love the aspect of total anonymity, and I value your stories and words of encouragement. Oscar Wilde once said "Give a man a mask, and he will tell the truth." These forums are my mask, and I choose to be honest with you fine people, even though I could never be honest with anyone close to me in this way. I feel I can conquer this addiction this way, and I will give it my everything.
Thank you for listening.