There's a lot of folks here who have been where you are right now, and that is why we are worried about where you are headed. You might think things need to get worse before they get better, but we know things might just keep getting worse.
I guess it's night there now, but it's never too late to call for help. I recommend calling a crisis line--those folks love to help people who want to prevent a crisis.
We can see that you are reaching out for help. Now is the time to reach out and take hold of something.