Hello iwantthis - we're very glad you're here with us. I'm sorry for the pain you've had to endure in your life. No one would blame you for wanting to get numb at times. I commend you for realizing it can't be a long term solution, though. It's not easy to come to that conclusion - I fell back on alcohol to cope for 30 yrs.
Finding SR was my answer. (That and realizing I'd face death if I didn't quit.) Once I didn't feel alone anymore, I was filled with relief. I found the strength to let go of my ridiculous way of living. I understand how easy it was to accept that beer from your neighbor - I did the same thing many times - but you can get free. We believe you will.