I have learned many things over the years of being the mother of an addict (also have an XAH).
For me, expectations get me into trouble......I inevitably get disappointed and become resentful. Learning how to let go of the outcome, deal with each day one at a time, and letting go and letting God handle things......those have been some of my primary tools that have helped me keep my focus.....on me.
I believe that taking care of myself first and establishing strong boundaries has been a critical change in my life. Personally, I know that I cannot live with active addiction. I just can't. It's a boundary....not an expectation. A boundary is something that I enforce for myself......
My suggestion for you (and for anyone who is dealing with a loved one who is addicted) would be to seek support for yourself and recognize the changes you may need to make for yourself. Take the focus off of the addict and turn it inward.
I often see people here on SR ask the question "does anyone know of people who have successfully conquered their addiction and stayed with their spouse". I want to give a resounding YES. I know many people who are living their lives in active recovery and who have remained married through the process. But of those couples I know that have done this, they are still very actively participating in a program of recovery. I've heard it stated that the chance for surviving addiction in a relationship is better if BOTH people are working on themselves (through counseling or 12 step groups). In my experience, this is very true.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of people who love addicts (I see many of them pass through our meetings) are not ready nor do they believe that they have any work to do on themselves. And for a long time.....I was one of them.
You and your wife will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke