Need input pleeeeese
Where to start... I grew up with an alcoholic/drug addict father. He is still a mess. I'm now married and I believe my H has a drinking problem. I don't know if he qualifies as an "alcoholic" or not, but honestly I don't really care about labels at this point. Over the years he had me convinced that it was me that had a messed up view on drinking because of my father, and that I was just trying to create problems that weren't really there. He says his drinking is normal, people can have a beer at lunch or a couple of beers after work and that doesn't make him a problem drinker.
He works a lot and has meetings, usually at restaurants and I know they have these meetings over drinks sometimes (or maybe all the time, I don't know because I'm not there). I've caught him trying to hide a bottle of liquor in the garage (blames me because he says I freak out over nothing so he feels like he had to hide it), I've found wine bottles under the seat in his truck -which he says was his friends, and his friend agreed so whatever.
I've gone so far as to make a calendar and mark every day that I know he was drinking so as to show him that he is drinking often, since he always says he doesn't drink that often. I've given ultimatums - the most recent was that he has to stop drinking during the week, and can only drink on the weekend...BUT that doesn't work because really, how will I know if he drinks at lunch?? I'll never know.
Last night I had to go with a cop to drive him back home because he was pulled over after they received a call that a guy was swerving and seemingly intoxicated (after a day of drinking for St Pattys day with the guys - and in his defense, he never goes out with the guys so this is a rare occurence)... SO today after reading these posts and chatting on here, I decided that I have to change what I accept and stop trying to argue over little details and overanalyze and blah blah. I told him that I have decided not to accept him drinking at all anymore. I said I choose not to live with someone who drinks and he either stays completely sober, or I will choose to leave and have a different life.
He immediately gets defensive and says "So you will LEAVE me if I don't stop drinking completely?!?!" I said "yes" He started saying that he has changed EVERYTHING about himself for me, he's changed all the things I've ever asked him to change except stop drinking, and that I haven't changed a single thing that I said I would. (he has asked me to be more loving and affectionate and more wife-like and warm towards him and I have not done that--- I wonder why hmm duh) and he starts to cry and say he feels like he has to change who he is completely just to make me love him. I almost start to feel guilty. Also, he said that my reaction was mean and treating him like a child, when I went to pick him up last night - he said a loving wife would have just said "Ugh, come on honey what were you thinking??" instead of "Are you stupid, how could you do something so stupid?!" which is what I said.
Now I don't really know where to go from here because I'm pretty sure he will just keep coming up with things he wants me to change, in order for him to stop drinking and then when he drinks he will blame me, saying I never kept my promises so why should he. I can't be loving to someone I am disgusted with... I just can't! So what now? What if he is still drinking and I don't know about it because he is gone at work all the time (owns a company, can drink whenever if he wants and I'll never know).