DaveyT

Ok so I was sober for a month recently before falling into 2 days of excessive drinking. The last day I've been sober and considering some real truths. I read the AVRT literature and several other souces besides and I've really taken to heart a few things. Please indulge me so typing all this, I'm sure you have all thought of it before but I need to get it out of my head and see some comments to solidify it all.

I cannot accept the idea that alcoholism is a disease. As a person with a genuine physical problem which causes tremendous amounts of pain and fatigue, the idea this is a disease just annoys me. A voluntary action of tipping alcohol down my throat is not the same as an illness which you have no control over. This means I cannot possibly accept the help from AA as they just seem to be a group of people who are constantly feeling sorry for themselves, they think they are victims and I utterly hate that. I'm not a victim, i'm someone who does something bad to myself! Then there is this higher power nonsense, handing your addiction over to a higher power because you don't have the power to deal with it yourself is just so alien to me I cannot possibly accept it. Admitting I am powerless over my own behavior? Really? No sorry that's just stupid. I am responsible for every action I take.

I realised a sad truth today. I don't want to drink but when I do it is my own fault. It's utter selfishness. I know it will harm me and yet I still do it because it makes me feel good. Of the shame afterwards is pretty unpleasant but those golden moments when I'm feeling a buzz are seductive and reel me back in. This is nothing more than self gratification, there is no underlying reasons for it. Oh hey sometimes I'm in so much pain physically that I drink to stop it, but lets face it, my doctor offered me painkillers and I refused. Of courwse I refused because I was fearful of addiction, at least that is what I told myself but the truth is that I didn't want to take them because I would no longer have an excuse to drink!

All of this, every moment has been my own fault and it's time I fully lived up to that idea. There are no excuses, no matter how much research shows addicts brains light up more than average people it isn't enough to excuse the behaviour. Addicts quit and stay sober everyday, if they can then it negates any genetic predisposition because it shows self control can win out.

So now I'm going forward with this in mind. I've been sober for 2 days and I've ordered a book recommended by someone on here to learn some coping techniques. The truth is a hard pill to swallow and while I had definitely viewed some o these things before, I had not taken them to heart. Now I have. I intend to stay sober, but if I ever fall I have to remember not to kick myself. It is my fault, no one elses but I have a choice to wallow in self pity or continue on. Well I've had self pity long enough, now it's time to take full responsibility for my drink problem. I don't have underlying mental health issues that can explain it, it's just pure selfishness. Thanks for everyone who read this to the end, I just needed to get it out of me on a public forum. I can't do support groups, the idea of sitting around discussing my feelings in public fills me with disgust and I feel it would bring on the self pity. But online it always feels different. My record is 3 months sober, recently I did one month but I've noticed a pattern lately. I am staying sober more than I am getting drunk, and that can only be a good sign.