It is all in my mind!
I am lying here recuperating from surgery earlier in week. It has been a struggle in every way. Tuesday I will start radiation and chemo for 7 weeks. I am trying to prepare mentally, physically and emotionally.
I decided that I have to think of my kids and just focus on my health. If that means taking the help from separated AH, I am just going to take it and detach. This is really the hardest thing ever. I hadnt detached yet before my illness so its forcing me into a step i wasnt ready for, but I am in self preservation mode. For example, today separated AH drove me to our 4 yr old daughters soccer game because I cannot drive. We got back and he took care of cleaning my kitchen, feeding dog, laundry, he cleaned my fridge, did my marketing. More vulnerably, he flushed and cleaned my feeding tube and changed the dressing as hes been doing everyday since my procedure. He does all these things for me which he doesnt have to do. He certainly doesnt have to do especially if he has a girlfriend! I just realize its all in my mind...who cares what he shares with her and if he is with her or discussing me later...he is helping me when I need it and if this gets me to be healthy and functioning better so I can get back to better health so be it. Who cares what she is posting on social media? He is helping me when I need it and I cannot read anything more into it but also appreciate he is doing these things.
I have to just live for today. I got through today with peace and dignity. I realized that I have to just work on Step 1...admitting i am powerless. I was still hoping my illness was what was going to make him hit rock bottom and I have to end that codie thinking NOW. I realized today that alcoholism is so powerful that not even my cancer can knock him into reality. I have to stop trying to make him see the light. And for 2 days, I have just worked on detaching and amazingly, no fights in 2 days! I bet he wonders what is going on with me!
The mind is so powerful and I feel so silly for not taking action sooner...I am a good person. I am a good woman. I am a terrific mother. I deserve to go through this life being loved and supported. If he is not capable, then I need to accept it. Facing this illness is rough but I am going to fight because my children need me. I will not be too proud or emotional to accept any help that will put me in a better place.
Of course I love my separated AH and wish he would take me into his arms and hold me and comfort me...but that man is gone. I have to see things for what they are.