The replies to this thread are really helping me get closer to the heart of things. I am very thankful for them.I have had trouble forgiving myself for significant things I did (and did not do) that are not reparable and which had a big impact on my life....
Today, I began to think, Okay, EQ, maybe you need to make amends to YOURSELF.
As strange as that sounds I went with it. I thought, when you want someone else to forgive you, you have to earn their trust back and you have to prove to them that you've changed and are committed to changed behavior now and in the future. Even if you can't repair the specific damage you did.
So I thought, well, maybe I need to earn my OWN trust back. Maybe I've been hesitant to completely forgive myself, because I am not convinced I really mean it and am going to change. I'm not convinced I am going to stand by ME in the future. Because I didnt before. I'm afraid I will put others or alcohol or fear ahead of standing by ME.
So I think I am going to make a general list of what I need to forgive MYSELF for, and then make a commitment to myself of how I am going to demonstrate by my daily behavior how I've changed and how over time I can earn my own trust back. I may find some spots that I'm just giving lip service to. Those are the spots I will look at more closely.
Oh and I also, I bought the HUGE pot and potting soil for the big ficus tree freedom ceremony. LOL.