my3sonsme I am so sorry you have to go through this. I think many of us all have the same stumbling block - we recognize or say we recognize that alcoholism is a mental disease - but then we try to understand it.! Ask yourself if this was a brain tumor he had, would you be as shocked at his behaviour ? A RA once said to me if you could understand his behaviour -that would make you insane too! I think that the fact that we see the same behaviours over and over again in A's/RA's tells us something. The remorse and the guilt were difficult enough to bear for him when he could 'medicate' himself - let alone now. It is the easy way out to blame it on you and to be with somebody that does not know all the things he has done. He cannot accept himself - he prefers this 'illusion' - at least you got to know the real him even it was unpleasant. Now he has to keep up a pretense 24/7 - what a way to live!. And it can only go on for so long - as someone said to me - he's putting on a show and its going to close soon. That is not to say that you should sit around and wait for him - this is an opportunity for you to breath and just live - one day at a time, with NC it gets easier. When I was told on this board that another woman with my husband was a blessing in disguise for me - I was.... well outraged. But now him and the other woman have broken up and it gave me enough time to know that I actually could feel good, less anxious and even dare I say happy and peaceful and hopeful.
Since he broke up with the skank gf he has mellowed towards me and is now trying to talk to me (mostly about rubbish)- I cannot allow myself to go back there again and I 'm sorry to say after trying everything to get him to talk to me (including him calling the police to say I was harassing him by trying to talk to him the only time I went to see him).
- now I cannot really bear to speak to him after all that and have now started to completely ignore him. My self esteem is slowly improving and I don't mind if I am alone forever but I will NOT let someone treat me like that again.
I look forward to the day I go on a holiday and don't end up feeling ignored and hurt, to wake up in the morning excited about what the day will bring, to dancing to music and just really enjoying the vibe, to being with my two kids without his actions overshadowing the mood. I has not happened yet - but I feel - any day now.
You will get there - try not to worry. ((Hugs))