Thank you. Yes it probably was and is/maybe its why it hurts so acutely to let go of it. I was getting something out of that relationship that shattered me to lose. I remember sometimes going over there and when I didn't get what I was looking for, maybe he was sober? I'd go home feeling very glum and depressed. I'd miss that and feel confused and hurt. I blamed myself for being "annoying". Maybe he felt an obligation and irritation on those days that I was visiting to have MY needs met. I guess it makes sense. Crazy how you can be so unaware sometimes. Or so driven by a need that you can't see clearly what your actions mean.
It was a like crap shoot really, those visits. I never knew what I was going to get when and yet I was addicted to doing it, because I felt so amazing when I'd get the conversation and validation and (love?) and I would offer (almost) anything in return for it. Sometimes I felt guilty about my compulsion to go over there. I think I knew instinctively that I was doing something "wrong" or at least I knew it was concerning that I couldn't seem to stop myself.
Im sorry for anyone else who is going through this kind of torment and I wonder if it's similar to what the alchoholics feel when they are "quitting". You might as well be letting go of air, or food or water. It hurts that much.
LG