Cracked Out!
Anyone else feel this way during the initial part of sobriety? I imagine so but it's really weird. I was hooked on meth in my late teens early 20's and kicked it only by the grace of God and haven't touched the stuff (or any hard drug for that matter) in over 10 years. I'm finishing off Day 7 of complete abstinence from all alcohol and mind altering substances (no pot, no xanax though prescribed by doctor, both actually). So I'm sober and clean. This is the second time in maybe 16 years that I have experienced true sobriety and I feel 100% like I'm back on meth. I feel totally high on sobriety and it kinda freaks me out. Maybe too much coffee at the meeting tonight and I must switch to decaf from here on out at evening meetings. Anyway, wondering how many folks experience this feeling of being high while sober. Maybe it's the newness of being completely aware....it's such a new feeling.
On a side note, I'm truly baffled by alcohol today. I finally worked up the courage to ask my boss for a raise (it's long overdue) and I told myself as I was walking into his office to talk to him, that if I didn't get what I asked for that I would drink. Well, I got what I asked for and as soon as he said yes to my request, I immediately made the decision in my mind to celebrate with drink. I told myself this would be okay - I justified it right there...amazing. For some reason, a small voice inside of me told me not to hit the bottle of scotch in the office and just leave feeling good about the raise. I drove home and called my my wife to say we'd celebrate with a case of beer. She asked if I really wanted that and I told her absolutely, I'd probably regret it in the morning, but I had already made up my mind. I drove to the liquor store, sat in the car, decided I am truly an alcoholic, and drove home without the beer. I don't know how, but I did. And I celebrated my raise by going to Taco Bell with my wife (haha) followed by a long Beginner's Meeting and it was the best decision I could have made. I am blown away at how tricky this **** is.
Unreal. For me, I feel that for now I have no choice but to go to a meeting every day. I sent a text to a guy that offered to be my sponsor because I'm realizing this is beyond me. I will call him tomorrow if I don't hear back and I will find someone else if he doesn't return the call. I feel I have no other choice at this time or I will drink. Hell, I'm scared I might anyway, but will do anything at this point. I'm really proud of myself and haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm blessed to have such a supportive wife and family. Behind me all the way. Saying prayers for everyone else struggling tonight and sorry for the long post. Like I said, i feel like I'm tweaked out and hoping this feeling calms down soon. Time to play music and read some alcoholic recovery literature. Good luck everyone. Damn this is a crazy ride.