Last night, before I fell asleep, laying in bed in the dark, I prayed out loud. First for myself, that since God has brought me to this, I pray that he also gives me the strength to get through it, and that I come out the other side healthier and happier. And then I prayed for the same thing for C, that whatever he is going through, for whatever reason he has been brought to this point in his life, that God gives him the strength to get through it and come out the other side healthier and happier.
I thought I would feel some sort of relief in praying for him, some sort of 'healing'....but all I felt was sadness. Sadness for what could have been had he been willing to take a REAL chance on us, sadness that what we had is now gone (yes, even if it wasn't all that great and was one-sided) and sadness for the person he has become, a person that seems so far removed not only from the person he was all those years ago, but even so far removed from the person he was just a short time ago.
Every morning I wake up with such a heaviness in my heart and it stays with me all day. Even though the crying jags are less frequent, not a day has passed without my eyes filling up with tears at least once and usually it's more like several times. And the heartache remains, always waiting for the slightest thought or reminder of him to painfully twist my heart until I feel like I can't take it. And I don't know why, but I just keep seeing very blatant 'signs' that remind me of him, not just seeing/hearing his name all the time, but other, more 'slap in the face' kind of signs that are hard to ignore or reason away... I'm a person who believes in fate and destiny and signs and all that, so my question is WHY am I seeing these signs NOW, after he's already gone?? I used to see signs all the time when we were seeing each other, and I always took them as good signs telling me to keep hanging in there, because no sooner would I see one, I'd hear from him, and it just happened so often that it didn't seem like it could be coincidental. So what are these signs now telling me?? He's GONE, he's cut me out of his life, there's nothing to 'hang in there' for anymore.... It's driving me crazy and I just wish I knew why this seems to be happening now.
I was grateful to find a CoDA meeting in my area, and it meets tonight. I'm hopeful that it will be a good fit, but am holding my reservations. I was originally going to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, but I think in the long run, the CoDA will be more helpful. I could see if were were still seeing each other, then the Al-Anon would help me to better understand his behavior and deal with it, and I'm not saying that there isn't a part of me that is still struggling to understand his behavior...but since he is out of my life, I figure I need to concentrate more on me and why I'm continually attracted to these types of harmful, futureless relationships. I also left two messages for a therapist, but have yet to hear back from him, which is starting to make me feel disheartened. I know people are busy or maybe he's away or something, but it's disappointing that I finally got up the courage to call someone and haven't heard back....seems to be the story of my life, always chasing people who can't be bothered. I suppose if I don't hear back again today, I'll have to try another doctor.
Hoping I'm out of this funk and feeling better soon... As always, thanks for listening.