RightLAine

Hey Everyone!

I have been coming on this site off and on for the past week and finally decided it was time to join. I am a 28 year old mom of two beautiful young children and I have come to the realization that alcohol has become an unmanageable aspect of my life. Here is my summarized background.....

Alcohol has effected my life ever since I can remember. My mom was an alcoholic and I have not one memory of her being sober. She passed away March 2010 due to acute liver failure. Being raised by an alcoholic, drinking was the norm. My brother and I were used to seeing mom crack open a beer before driving us to school. At a young age I learned to hate the sound of a can being opened. We had a frdige in our garage dedicated just to beer. There were alot of messed up things that happened in our childhood due to my mom being drunk all the time. Fast forward to highschool my mom had moved us to a new state b/c of a man she met.... Being the new kid was tough especially my first year in highschool...i missed my friends...this is when I started drinking becuase hey why not....I had unlimited access to it and a drunk mom who didn't care. I hung out with other kids that did the same thing. I would say I drank recreationally to start...on the weekends. In college of course I drank....everyone that I hung out with did. While in college I got two DUI's okay this is when I start to realize I might have a problem...I make bad decisions when I drink and I drink way to much. I graduate college, get a job, move in with my college sweetheart. He drinks to. Differance between him and I he knows his limit I do not. 3 years later we have our son. the love of my life. I have no problem at all not drinking while I'm pregnant...so I must not have a problem right...(wrong) I breastfeed him for 6 months...dont even think about drinking...then I go back to work....its stressful, daycare costs alot, we buy a house that costs alot...well hell Im stressed Im going to drink.... I drink everyday,...I dont get drunk but I drink. I have a few beers every night after work. You would think me seeing my mom in the ICU would make me not want to drink...except it was the opposite I drank more. I had a flask in my purse at her funeral. I have used alcohol as a stress reliever my whole adult life. After my mom died I started getting anxiety attacks and to cope with them I would drink. When in actuality drinking made my anxiety worse. I wake up and take a shot before work. I think about drinking while at work. This past week I wanted to see if I could stop so Sunday & Monday I didn't have one drink....I felt great and proud of myself and then last night I drank...probably 5-10 shots of 100 proof vodka...I feel like $hit today. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years (I think part of the reason we are not married is b/c of things that have happened between us while I was really drunk like fighting) we have 2 beautiful kids I've asked him to stop drinking with me...he will not.

I feel as if I am rambling on but I have come to this site to try and get support from other people that are going through the same thing. I don't want to drink anymore....I am not YET physically addicted to alcohol but I am very much psychiologically addicted to it. It has become second nature to me to drink. As soon as I get home from work. I start with the shots. I don't want to be like my mom. My kids deserve better. I hope I can gain strength from you all to stop this cycle before it gets worse.