Thank you thislonelygirl! Yes, I understand the answer to my happiness is inside me.
I went to an Al Anon meeting today and that was helpful. I'm unable to speak at a meeting without crying - I guess that is letting some of the pain out ...???? At least it feels better to cry and release it.
I would like to give an update about what happened tonight when RAH came home from work. It was like he was a totally different person - happy, nice, acknowledged me when he came home (the guy I fell in love with and married). I asked if we would print something out for me and he did then playfully asked for a hug/kiss. It was nice to see that behavior but it has been so dr. jekyl / mr hyde it's hard to trust it. I'm sure it is me taking care of myself by putting up the protective walls. I've never been one to have walls but obviously I've learned to do that the past 10-15 years.
My goal is to journal more -that has always been a great outlet for me. I also have this vision of putting together a huge flow chart of the people in my life with pros/cons listed for each and include slogans/sayings to help me for each one. This idea came to me today and I think it might help me compartmentalize some of the craziness.
Thanks for listening and providing wisdom and kindness as I work on rebuilding and getting me back!