Nowhere to turn
Hello everyone. This is the first time I've posted, though I've "lurked" around for months now. I write today because I have really nowhere else to turn. I've managed to dig (drink) myself into a very isolating place.
About one year ago my family held a kind of "intervention"...after finding several vodka bottles I had hidden throughout the house. My husband was so upset with me as he had a close family member die of alcoholism. My daughter was hurt and my son, well, he was the only one that seemed to not be disgusted with me, and that includes myself. I was so horrified...ashamed...remorseful. I promised I would never drink again. Well, you all can probably guess the rest of this story. Yes, I would stay sober for a week to 10 days, then would convince myself I could drink "just this one more time"...then would proceed to go on a 10 day binge before I would feel so sick I would be able to quite drinking again...but never more than two weeks or so at a time. Funny thing...this drinking was never an issue for me before until I lost my mother and father about 5 years ago...(I'm 57 years old)
Here's the deal...I've been able to 'hide' this for the past year, although for the life of me I can't believe my family doesn't know. My daughter has asked me several times if I've been drinking and, of course I've lied and said no. My husband...no clue. I think he just wants to believe I've stopped and so refuses to look at the real reason I "sleep" all the time.
I am scared. I am on day two of sobriety after 3 weeks of drinking 375-750 mls. of vodka A DAY!!! This on top of holding down a faily stressful job, I can't believe I can still function!
I don't want to repeat this deadly cycle. I've lied to my family for a year now and I can't stand the thought of admitting to them that I've not only continued to drink, but I've gone out of my way to lie to them about it! I may be able to confess this after I have been sober for awhile, but I just can't face it now.
So...here I post. I need some support from somewhere. I feel I'm on the brink of really losing everything. As for my withdrawal, well...I was a pretty sweaty and trembly gal yesterday but today is better. I am on the watch for heart palpitations, hallucinations, etc., but I still can't bring myself to "come clean" to my husband and family...that is, unless I feel I need to go to the hospital or something...
God...how f**ked up can a person get??? Please help me....