Welcome TryingHarder. You've found a great place, and my story was very similar to yours. You can make a change for the better. Keep reading and posting here on SR, it will help a lot. I did the same program-drink a lot, feel like crap, stop for a night or two because I felt like crap, drank again the minute I felt better. Even though I knew I felt better because I didn't drink. I'm not a stupid person in general, but I certainly was when it came to drinking. You may find it's easier to stop altogether than to keep playing the same old trying to moderate game.