Alcohol- cunning, baffling, powerful. It wants to break you down, take you into self pity. Don't beat yourself up, just start by not drinking for the next hour, then the next, etc. I know it's hard, everyone reading your post knows it and has been there too. But there is hope; everyday is a new day. Even the old timers will tell you all we have is today. It doesn't matter if you have 24 hours or 24 years sober, everyday we wake up we have to remember that we are alcoholics and cannot drink that first and fatal drink. A meeting ASAP sounds like a great idea! I also have difficulty finding "time" to get to meetings, but we should try to remember all of the time we put into our drinking and then put some of that energy into our recovery.