Dear Don'tReallyCare, Yes, I can see that you are defending your boundry= "I won't live with the drinking". And, believe me, I KNOW that this isn't easy to carry out. Congratulations on taking this step of taking care of yourself!
To pick up on what Lexie just said, I am not criticizing you--just giving information that I did not have---and, I suffered a lot from my lack of understanding and knowledge. Lexie is right---it is pretty futile to expect him to understand what you are saying to him (he most certainly will disagree with anything you say). You just have to say/do anyway, secure in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself. Remember, he is still waist-deep in his denial that he is an alcoholic. He doesn't see that this is a problem! He thinks controlled drinking is possible and desirable. He does not want to give up the most important thing in his life--the ability to drink. His disease is running the show, for him, right now. You have to run the show for you.
Even though I have learned lots of lessons from experience--Don'treallyCare--I still have a hard time dealing with my alcoholics!!! I h ave to set the boundries---I have to do things that make me cry (I'm a mother). They are not out of denial--they think that I am a mean, cointrolling "B****).
BUT, I don't feel like I am going "crazy", anymore. I know that I can love them--FROM A DISTANCE. I live with the serenity prayer and I take it "one day at a time", and try to remember what I have learned thus far. It ain't easy--but, I have avoided lestting the alcohol take MY life from me. I still have hope for my alcoholics, but I am no longer going to destroy my life for this grotesque disease.
Although I am not an alcoholic myself, i have l earned a lot from recovering alcoholics. I have found out that the best people to deal with an alcoholic is other RECOVERING alcoholics.
DontreallyCare, you are doing great---and you will find your way as long as you are committed to taking care of your own welfare, FIRST. Just keep it up--and keep us posted!
sincerely, dandylion