Dear Don'treallyCare, I made several posts on your thread from last October---I would repeat them again, as I believe they are still valid in relation to your situation.
I would like to share with you a few things I have learned (the hard way) about dealing with loved ones who are alcoholics:
First, it is useless--ABSOLUTELY USELESS--to ask an alcoholic not to lie to us about their drinking. It is like asking a fish not to swim. It is unfair to them and sets us up for more emotional grief. They are in denial and their monster disease inside their brain is lying to them--it tells them that they can do "controlled drinking" and that they can make promises (big fat lies). They may mean their promises at the time, but their need to protect their drinking will not allow them to.
An alcoholic cannot do controlled drinking period. While in denial, they desperately need to believe that they can. The last thing they want to accept is that total abstainence is the only thing that puts the disease into remission. Most will try to "whiteknuckle" it for periods of time to prove to themselves and others that they can drink like "normal" people. This always fails, in time.
Third, just going to AA meetings, alone, is not the same as being in recovery. Sure, it is a very important first step. It can help with staying "sober" or "dry". But, the working the steps with a sponsor is where the true recovery is and helps the alcoholic to change their thinking and attitudes--- and their behaviors.
Fourth, never, EVER, make a boundry for yourself that you are not able, prepared and willing to enforce. To do so is just like telling them that your words are hollow. Your boundries are about what you won't accept---not a to do list for them.
Fifth, one cannot apply the normal logic of a healthy relationship to a relationship with an addict. So much of it is the opposite of what is normally "logical" to most people. This is Sooo confusing (it caused me lots and lots of pain). This is why I believe that one MUST educate oneself about the nature of this disease. One must read and talk to others who have experience with this grotesque disease. There is a lot to learn. Alanon is for learning about yourself and helping yourself. The focus is not on the alcoholic or an educational program about alcoholism. I feel that one must do self education on that front. ***PLEASE, be clear, I am not saying to focus on the alcoholic, as opposed to yorself. What I am saying is that it helps to understand this monster disease that has caused you (and him) so much pain. It helps to keep you from having guilt trips and from having unrealistic and heart breaking expectations.
Sixth, the alcoholic has more excuses than Carter has Liver Pills to avoid treatment. When they start trying to "qualify" the treatment--they are still in denial: "That AA groups isn't a good fit for me", "I'll get into AA if you don't leave", "I can't quit unless you are here to help me", are typical qualifying statements. When an addict reaches their bottom or finally steps out of denial, they will seek recovery regardless of what they will have to do. It will become the TOP priority in their life--above all else!!
These are some of the lessons that I have had to learn from experience. And tears, and brokenhearted nights. More pain than I can describe here--due to lack of space!
I hope you will read this and give some consideration. I would like to spare you some of the pain that I have had to live.
very sincerely, dandylion