Originally Posted by
KLM 
He has been clean 3 weeks now and is back to the man I love
This is the hard part...... When he's being a jackass coming down etc its easy to want him to leave. When he's being the old him the heart kicks in and overrides the head
KLM This is exactly the place I found myself in recently. I recognized that it was the making up, being loving, putting pieces back together so we can move forward time period...
But where was it leading!?
Undoubtedly to another binge at some point. To more lies. To more sneaking around behind my back. To more of me feeling insane. To more of me worrying about him. To more of me trying to control him and getting so disappointed when he didn't change. To more of me feeling betrayed and bawling my eyes out and making myself physically sick with rage.
Whether or not he is using right now, he's an ACTIVE ADDICT.
This is a term I just learned a few days ago here in SR. He's recently used and he is not in recovery.
I had been wondering what this meant that the cat is out of the bag that he's an addict and I'm going to Al Anon, but we were "post binge" and he's back to his regular self and we're making up.
Well, what it means is NOT MUCH in terms of hope!
He's STILL an addict, even though he's not using in this moment.
(Someone is STILL a smoker even when they don't have a cigarette in their hand.)
So as an addict, my husband will eventually pick up another drug or drink. Just as the smoker will eventually light up another cigarette if they are not trying to quit or getting help to quit.
Smokers smoke and addicts and alcoholics use. And sometimes they go periods of time in between cigarettes, drinks, and drugs.
It's the "alcoholic mind" they talk about in the AA Big Book
I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come -- I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind.
So I totally relate to where you are right now. It all hit the fan and now it's calming down. But if he has an "alcoholic mind" like my husband, it will just be a matter of time before he uses again and sends you into another emotional tailspin with his sickness making you sicker. Not fun to hear, but based on my experience, true.