I would like to say that I ALWAYS enjoy your posts. You are very inquisitive and intelligent. It is really inspiring to see you go through your recovery. You are amazing.
I read this post and have thought about it all day.
I love my xah , and I kinda think he will always have my heart. I really thought we were soul mates. And yes, at one time I believed in that. I think about him daily. Not in a crying pathetic way, but in an analyzing, healing ok this is what happened and what does this mean kind of way. We haven't heard from him since Nov. 5. He hasn't seen his son but 5 times in 1 year. He moved, and didn't tell me. I am dealing with an addict. I have accepted that and see that now.
So, why this post attracted me. What was I going through at the time before he abandoned us? I was a stay at home mother. He lost a really good paying job due to drug use, and I suggested I go back to work and he stayed home, but he refused. I was smart enough at the time not to trust him, and continued to stay at home. We were financially stressed, but I didn't trust him. He opened up a new "business", but had no clue how to run it. I hate to say this, but he was idiot. I was left to do the bills and he just gave me the money. When I told him to write a business plan, he laughed at me. He was clueless. I see that loud and clear now. He wanted me to go back to work, and I honestly tried to sub. Everytime I got a sub job he told me to cancel. Then, he would complain because I didn't work. I started not to trust him. I had to beg him to be home on Thanksgiving. The night before he had to go out and party, and didn't come home until 7 am. I found him drunk and passed out to porn with his hand down his pants at the computer. Happy Thanksgivng! He couldn't understand why I was mad. That was the first night I caught him in a lie, and lost all trust. I didn't know what to do. He was my husband and we were married. I was a stay at home mother. We were just going through something. He was just stressed. It soon turned into he was never home. The house was never clean enough. The house was never organized enough...which by the way...we moved out in 2 days. I would say our 1500 sq ft home was organzied. The laundry was never done. There was nothing in the fridge. I actually stopped buying groceries for him bc he was never at home and hated healthy food. What was the point? The bedroom was never clean. I never worked, and I never gave him sex. Well, everytime he and I were suppose to have a "date" night he would cancel an hour before. I finally gave up. I finally stopped fighting him on everything and everything (except staying home with my son). He won. I tried to get him to stop his "business",but to no avail. I remember thinking that there was a strong pull to this busines unlike anything I had ever seen. He never brought home nearly enough money for the amount of hours he worked...but I was greedy. Now, I see it was the drugs. He would be gone for 4 days and have no money for me, and blame me for being greedy. All I wanted was to pay the bills and enjoy being a family. Pretty simple. I didn't care about anything else. I shared his deoderant to save money. I never bought anything for myself. Then, he started getting really funny about money. He would be pissed if I spent it on anything. I felt it. It was weird. I still didn't have a clue. I was in DENIAL. I didn't trust him, he was never home and I felt so lonely. I wondered if it was all my fault for staying at home with my son. But, I thought it was just a phaze. And then BOOM. His girlfriend of 6 months clarified everything to me by leaving multiple voicemails on my phone. He left me on mother's day weekend. That same weekend I was entertaining HIS mother while he was ******* some ***** down in NYC. He just left. For no good reason. Just stopped taking phone calls and texts. Devistaing. 3 months later we were divorced. And I begged him back. CRAZY!
I was lonely with him. Unhappy! He wasn't giving me anything I needed. I needed a responsible, educated, family man. He was always critical, always tired, running to his "business" and basically a horrible husband and father. But, I was demonized. That is what upsets me. I don't even talk to his family anymore bceause they are unwilling to accept he has a drug problem, and just blame me. How could I divorce him? I could I say only supervised visits? Meanwhile, he defaulted on the divorce!!!!! He left town to coke it up!!!! After a year of dealing with his inconsistency and just total disrespect...his mother had enough nerve to say "well, I don't think he is on drugs". REALLY? He abandoned his family emotionally and financially. She actually heard my son cry "I miss my daddy". If it wasn't for MY family I wouldn't be where I am now. But, I am ther bad person. Angry? Still a little. Getting through it.
He has been gone since Nov. 5. We have seen him maybe 5 times in a year. Never called on birthdays or holidays. As much as I think about him, I am SOOOOOO much happier without him. I watched a video the other night when my son was 2, and I saw his anger for the first time. It is weird seeing it, when not in it. He was just a dick. For no reason. I think he ultimately is mad at himself and is taking it out on me? Who knows and really who cares. Because I don't have to deal with his failure after failure anymore. I don't have to deal with his immaturity anymore. AAAAAhhhhh...it really is a sigh of relief. This really is the best thing.
At one point he will call me a ****, and in another breath he will tell me that I am a fantastic mother, wife and person. He makes no sense. I see that now. When I was in it...it was PURE DENIAL!
When you are in the middle of it, it is completely different than when you take a step back, I am happier now than I have been in years. I have more self esttem than I had the entire time I was with him. I feel really good about life and am super happy. Still working on some anger and trust issues. But, I am happy. I like being bymyself. I like raising my son alone. I don't need him. I got this! And, so do you.
