Thank you everyone for your replies. Means a lot. Tonight I had a semi breakthrough. We are the #1 hockey team in our league and played the #2 team tonight. And after drinking too much last night and drinking quite a bit the past week, I went to the game and I completely bombed. I had to miss couple shifts because I couldn't breathe right, my heart felt really funny, it was such a horrendous feeling. Watching all my buddies just skate around so freely and without any problems was just devastating to me.
I honestly thought about going to the locker room because of my breathing. I felt like a huge pathetic piece of crap. Some of the other guys had to do double shifts because I had to get my breathing back. It's not that I'm out of shape, I play tons of hockey, but all that drinking just killed me. After the game I actually started having a little of the shakes.
When I got home I went straight upstairs to my moms room and told her up front that I need help and I need it bad. I told her about the vodka bottles I hide in my sweatpants as I go upstairs and drink at night, how I almost pulled myself out of tonights game because my heart felt funny, how I drank during work yesterday. I opened up to her and asked her for her help. It felt so good, just like the first time I came on this site to get it out in the open. This past week is the first time I have opened up to my family about my problem.
The only positive I can get out of this is every time I catch myself slipping I've been able to realize what was going on and I have this place for help, now my family is there to help. I just remember how depressed and pathetic my life was when I first came to this site. The absolute rock bottom and I promised myself I would never get to that point again. This is the second time I have come to this site since with an acknowledgement that the drinking is creeping up to a very bad point. Although the negative is still the fact that I'm drinking just to maintain and not able to actually go days with out drinking unless I have to hang out with my girlfriend for the weekend.
I honestly feel like my girlfriends is detox, couple days with no alcohol and 11-12 hours of sleep. I feel sooooo good after that. How can I constantly choose to feel like a lump of poo every day when I know how good it feels to wake up with out a hangover!! Ughhh... anyways thanks again and it's very nice to see some of you that have helped me out this entire time! And the people I haven't met yet, thank you very much also!