Checking up... nothing has changed!
So, I'm back again, just wanted to get it off my chest that alcohol is still ruling my life. And now after 7 years my mom has finally broken down and started drinking again. She hasn't gone overboard yet, but you can just feel it coming. She'll have one glass of wine a night and I know she had two the other day.
Just really depressing to see, because she really was my motivation and gave me faith that this battle was winnable. But now seeing break her 7 year sobriety, gives me very little hope.
I'm still a functional alcoholic. I play tons of hockey, work out, still rockin my job, hanging out with my girlfriend, and hanging out with my family.
But no matter what, at night I have to have something... I hide a half a pint of vodka in my computer bag after work, or in my sweatpants when I get home from a hockey game. It's not "a lot" of alcohol, but the need to have it is still there. And if I'm alone I still might even drink something during the day. Now work is allowing me to work at home whenever I want and I actually got a half pint of vodka today at 10:30 in the morning because I drank a little too much wine last night. The only positive I can get out of this, is I know the second I break the cycle like this that I'm on pace to getting back in to that depressing situation I was before. So coming here usually sets me straight as I remember just how bad my life was that brought me to this site.
I make very good money at my current job and can easily move out and get my own house, but I'm afraid. I do not want to live alone. That is such a bad feeling that I want to live with my family because I'm afraid of how much I will drink if I were alone. Having things to do every day make it so much easier for me to get through the entire day with out any alcohol.
On weekends I've been going to play some pond hockey outdoors with my buddies and that has kept me from drinking and watching basketball/hockey all day. But all of this just means I'm still an alcoholic and I'm just waiting for the next free time I have to drink. I still haven't reached that epiphany where I need to go to a doctor or to AA... I think this site works wonders and just hearing peoples stories and encouraging remarks makes me feel like I'm not alone fighting this battle.
Anyways, just wanted to check back in... don't want to check in when it's too late again and want to get back on track tomorrow.
Thanks for listening.