I have been exactly where you are Sam. I isolated myself from friends and family, they for the most part had no clue what I was going through. What a horribly big responsibility it was to bear that all alone. The more isolated I felt, the more I isolated myself, it was a vicious cycle. For me I finally couldn't take any more & I remember saying out loud to myself, "I want off this ride". I found my way to an Alanon meeting and there I found a group of people who lived through everything I was going through. I was a very broken man at that point, It took everything I had inside me to walk through those doors. I don't really remember much of the meeting except trying to keep it together long enough to make it through the meeting. What I do remember is the feeling of peace I had when I left.
I began to focus on making myself better, as I did, things became clearer for me. I began to see there were many more options than I ever thought I had. I chose to try & work on my relationship with my AW. I had to try everything I could so if I had to walk away I knew I tried everything in my power to make it work. She did not want to have any part of it, refusing to do any work in the marriage. So I started preparing myself for a divorce. I did it a step at a time, planning carefully & thinking through every step as best as I could. One step at a time is how I did it, it would have been overwhelming to just decide one day to file for divorce. Step by step I came closer to making the final decision and one day I knew it. I knew it was time. I had reached a point where I was comfortable with the decision. There was little confusion and in my head, my heart and my gut and I knew it was the right decision. I got there by taking steps to save my marriage and end it. Had I not tried to save it, I couldn't have felt the peace of mind I had when I decided to leave. Sure I could feel the heart strings pulling me, after all we were together for 18 years, but I was able to keep them in check by knowing I was at peace with my decision.
None of this was easy and halfway through my divorce it has at times been very difficult. But for me, it is easier than living with an active alcoholic. There will be an end to it. All this being said, I could just as easily made my decision to stay had she chose to try, but I couldn't, and didn't have the right to make her. I think I would have been at peace with that decision as well, but it didn't work out for me that way. Keep the focus on yourself, it is the only thing YOU can do. You can't control the actions and attitudes of an alcoholic, but you can change how you react to them and for me has brought great peace even during chaotic times.