Hi again everyone, I'm back. Let me fill you in on what an idiot I am.
So back in January I was done drinking again, and it was easy to be honest. But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that because I was going on a three week trip it was highly likely that I was gonna drink while away. And I did. Even though I had intended not too I now believe I knew I was going to. There are so many layers of deceit that go on in my mind I'm at a stage now where I've lost all faith in myself. I do not know what I want even. My drinking wasn't insane by my usual standards, but now that I've been back home a week I can see that I'm on the slippery slope again, one or two every day, the rationalising etc. And yes that elusive ideal of moderating has started to rear its head. What am I going to do with myself?
I'm embarrassed even though I know everyone here is supportive and it's better that I come on here and fess up so to speak. And I've read that people say it's a process, that I've learned something etc but to be honest that just gives me an excuse to drink again. I'm feeling so depressed now, not so much about the fact I'm drinking again but that my word to myself is obviously so worthless. I think I'm even afraid to try again because in my warped logic it's better to be drinking than fail to quit.
Right now AVRT is not helping me at all...