Hi everyone,
Day 4! Yea me. Wow this last relapse has taught me a lot. I knew that I was not dealing with my issues, but I am all of a sudden realizing why, how, and when I first started avoiding them.
I went to traffic court today with my daughter. As I sat there It reminded me of all the times I went to court to support my two teenage boys that were getting in a lot of trouble a few years back. I was so strong for them but it broke my heart terribly.
As I sat with my daughter today in traffic court; for 3 HOURS I might add; I reflected on the other issues that have troubled me over the past several years of my life.
Over this short span of time besides dealing with my teenager boys,I also lost my mom, my brother, and my sister, Became a grandma for the first time and ended up pretty much raising my grandson for a few years. I was also having issues at work and I almost got a divorce during this time.
At some point in all of this i started using more and more. I was always a strong person but all this was just to much pain for me. Before I knew it I was completely addicted.
I will sum up my thoughts for today. Actually most of these issues I have been well aware of for a long time, but today a new perspective was given to me.
1. These specific issues are in he past.My life is much less stressful now.
2. I continue doing what I am doing (drinking, instead of dealing) from bad formed habits.
3. I can and I will change these habits.
4. God IS answering my prayers, just not in the method I thought he would; such as allowing me to go through another relapse.
5. I also realized a big part of me has been fearing getting better because if god sees that I can handle more, he very well might give me more pain as he did before.
Even if #5 is right; that is a really dumb reason not to get well and progress in life.
It has taken another relapse and an added few days but i am now ready and gladly turn my life over (again) to my HP.
Sorry so long. Thanks for listening.
Have a fantastically beautiful sober day my friends!