Just feeling guilty and blue...
tonight for some reason.
I tried to find a meeting for family support in our area but missed the only one I could find ... Tuesdays at 7 ...
...so I found this site and just wanted to do a few moments of the blues...
...and not involve my husband or my kids or my grandkids or my weiner dog.
I've been doing recovery and survival for a long, long time...heroin addict daughter...
...same story we all share...
Up, down, sober, clean, jail, up down and repeat into infinity.
The thing I'm struggling with...
and I know this is the right thing...
...is that my husband and I moved.
Yeah.
Moved.
Into a new and lovely home with no memories of cop raids, suicide attempts, police intervention, 911 calls...
...a home harboring no bad memories.
So, yeah, we moved.
And our 30 year old daughter asked for the new address.
And I told her she is not welcome here until she is clean and sober.
That she is not living here.
That I love her and wish her well.
But, I am feeling this intense guilt.
It's not my fault, really.
It's all those signs.
You know?
The ones that says "Home is where they have to take you in" and maudlin stuff like that.
My heart feels so heavy with unshed tears.
I feel like the worse kind of mother in the universe.
And I'm ticked and sad and weepy and guilty and everything in my soul tonight is wanting to 'save' my daughter.
To sacrifice myself and to run out and bring my daughter here and feed her and clothe her and protect her from herself.
And I know this is NOT the way.
But for some reason this whole moving thing makes me feel so sad.
I hoped writing these words and thinking about what I know to be true as the parent of an addict would help.
For some reason...
...my soul is still bleeding.