A nice little Tuesday epiphany
Sooo, ABF called me to ask me to text him his sister's address so he could mail her something.
My internal* reaction: "are you f***ing SERIOUS?!" (Pats self and SR on back for keeping it *internal.) My actual reaction / response to him: "magneted to the freezer door."
The backstory: I got that address from his mom 2 months ago - and stuck it to the freezer door then - it's the ONLY thing on the freezer door, mind you. The very same freezer door that he opens 3 - 20 times per day to pour himself that quad vodka and oj 3 - 20 times a day. 2 MONTHS its been staring at him, directly next to the freezer door handle that is caked with his fingerprints. I also told him it was there right after I put it there.
The epiphany: They REALLY ARE sick?! Like Walking Dead zombie SICK (with the drinking anyway.) I know we all know this, and I've got a pretty good handle on the 3c's....but sometimes i can't help but (to myself) blame him for causing it, not controlling it, and not curing it. Irrational - for sure, but I just sometimes can't help it. This epiphany helped me - at least for today. He is seriously freaking sick.
He isn't *completely* choosing to walk to the freezer. Looking at it. Opening it. Opening the cupboard for a glass. Opening the fridge. And pouring himself drinks until a quart of vodka per day is gone. (that's how I see his decision to drink - every step of it.)
He is going through the motions that he has programmed himself to do. He is looking through the freezer door at the bottle before he even gets there, and the drink is down the hatch half the time, before he even really knows hes done it. Robotic - that's the only way I can describe the motion - especially after the question asking for the address today. How could he have ever noticed the 4x4 piece of paper hanging there, when it has nothing to do with the program written on his brain? This wake up call for me I am certain is one of many painful realizations that will lead me to a much greater wake up call....but it has helped me not to blame him today. It has also made me feel sadness for him today....but not so much blame for a change. Had to share.