This is something that I've struggled with since realizing the extent of RAH's drinking before he sought therapy. I was really surprised when I couldn't just 'get it under control' after he started his recovery & things started looking more positive... it only seemed to intensify & spin more out of control, making me feel really out of sorts & ungrounded.
On my journey over the last year & a half or so, I've realized many, many insights about my ACoA family history & come to terms with more than I ever realized I needed to; uncovering enough to realize I'd be completely stupid if I thought I was done 'finding' things. I'm starting to realize that this feeling of depression/self-pity isn't new, it's something I carried through most of my childhood.
I think of myself as a strong, independent person because I became one in my adult life, but that's not who I was as a child & I somehow forgot all of that... I was an absolute wallflower, utterly intimidated by my peers & never one to take a leadership role until about the time I left my FOO & moved out of my parent's house.
Something, somewhere in the process of dealing with an AH, I myself triggered back to my earlier mindset & it is a battle sometimes to keep myself sane. I recently compared it to how it must feel to a person being caught in a riptide.... you think you're getting on just fine & don't see any big signs that there's trouble ahead & suddenly, wham! You're caught up in this feeling of being dragged under & you never saw it coming so you couldn't prepare to defend yourself.
Gratitude helps me a lot, doing stuff with my DD helps a TON because she's always a happy little camper & she keeps me "in the Now"
, deep breathing is sometimes the only thing that keeps me grounded when these panic attacks happen at night & above all I try to put it all into perspective & look at the Bigger Picture. When I step outside of myself & look in I can often gain much better clarity & usually find that whatever I'm stressing is much more insignificant than my reaction indicates. That shift of perspective helps me A LOT!