Hi, dogged,
Yes, the pain comes through loud and clear. Katie and Dolly have both given you excellent suggestions.
You are at the point where you are as addicted to him as he is to alcohol. And behaving in just as crazy a way.
Just as alcoholics and addicts have to STOP feeding their addictions in order to get better, so do you. Those little bits of contact you have with him is exactly like their taking a drink or a drug. It keeps the obsession alive and well, and the obsession is killing you.
Your instincts were right when you kicked him out. You don't need the kind of relationship you can expect from him.
If you had a dear friend in this situation, who was telling you this story, what would you say to her? That she should go ahead and sacrifice everything she is to get back someone who has treated her this way? Wouldn't you tell her that she is worth more than that?
I know it's hard to think that you've invested 8 years of your life in this relationship, but how many more do you want to give it? He is incapable of being the partner you want and deserve. So you can either spend the rest of your life mourning this one relationship, or you can create a new life for yourself. Plenty of us have done it, and we have gotten past all the dreams that were nothing but illusions. It's hard to do, but the work is so worth it because ultimately we get FREEDOM.
Please go back to Al-Anon. It was a huge help to me when my alcoholic husband chose drinking over our relationship. It helped me to move on and to find peace in my life.
Hugs,