i know i was onhere a long time ago, and im not going into the whole spheel of stuff but to make it short he moved back with me, he continued drinking he started disappearing for weekends at a time he wouldnt answer his phone, reality is until he moved in with me i didnt see the real him until then and its only been a year and he has turned me into this person i dont even recognise anymore.. i have obsessive thoughts over him what he is doing who he is with how many women he has had by now. i kicked him out 3 weeks ago but he would stay a night here or there ..i know my bad... but i miss him???? i was with him for 8 yrs.. we were even thinking about getting married,, he was my soulmate.. i loved him with everything i had and then some... then the lies started he couldnt tell the truth if his life depended on it,,things got really bad when he took a job as a bartender..he was in a candy store!!!! between the women wanting him and endless supply of booze he was in his glory and everyone there would lie for him and know he was cheating on me and no one said anything,, he just told the i was crazy and psychotic,, if he didnt answer his phone its like i would go crazy and call him 50 times cuz i would be so pissed.. i am doing things i never have done before i got involved aith and addict/alcoholic and now i find myself having a hard time rationalizing...i know logically its good if we are broken up,, but my mind wants to keep the good times in front of my mind,, i cant stop thinking about him i feel he has taken over my thoughts no matter what i try to do not to think about him he is always there,, i cant eat,sleep, ive been seeing a therapist but i dont know if she is doing any good or if its just me,, i feel like ive lost myself and that im losing my mind!! i just want the pain to stop...and no mateer what i do it doesnt do any good i called him tonight to harrass him cuz i want hm to feel the pain he has put me through... this is a guy who told everyone he had bought an engagment ring for me awhile back(he knows thats what i wanted) only for it to be a big lie...find out the first night i kicked him out he slept over at some girls house the girl he met at the christmas party that i wasnt allowed to go to ,,,only to find out him his uncle and some other drug addict friend of thiers had a 4some... really? i am so much better than this!!! and i know it so why cant i wrap my head around that he is the biggest loser and that i should be glad he is gone??? why would i even want something like that back?????? i feel like one of those situations were its an domestic abuse and they keep going back to the abuser??? wtf? though he never has hit me..so whatis my problem? be gentle cuz im ready to crack i have been reading here for awhile and i know the stories ive lived through most of what people here writen.. i just cant seem to get my heart and logic to work together...im realizing the whole 8 yrs have been a lie or thats what i tell myself but man when it was good it was good and when it was bad it was bad...i have left over so much less with no addictive issues why cant i let him go???? i dont understand.. ive lost all my friends over this they think im a wack job cant blame them for thinking that i would think the same.. so whats going on?? i need some insight,, his drug of choice is crack but he gave that up to do beer and hard liquer..the behaviors are all the same just different doc... he blames me for everything i would search his car,phone clothes,etc... cuz i know he was lying about where he was at or who he was with,,and he kept his phone by his side constantly never leaving it...drove me crazy...became obsessed with what he was hiding...girls mainly breaks my heart,, i supported him the years in prison, helped him out through the years and this is how im treated???and he wont admit to anything even with it right in front of him... i cant stand liers...i try to be a good person, i try to not talk bad about anyone, i bekieve in a higher power, i do good at work im kind,compassionate,loyal ,trustworthy,and i have no addictive issues other than him ,,maybe.. and i get treated like scum...im so tired of feeling sick to my stomach and the breaking of my heart i just want to curl up go away...i feel like i have gone back to the age of 16 as to how i have been behaving with him..i have lost myself and i dont know hw to get me back.. ive tried al..anon...but i didnt care for that group im embarressed and ashamed of what i have allowed into my life and knowing his girlfriend is lauging at me for the sad pathetic soul i have become,,,she won...she gets him tonight he said he is gonna do her all night long and when i called him she answered the phone and wouldt give it to him...
where do start> he is probably f****ing her at this very moment...did he ever love me? i drove him away with being such a bitch . i myself wouldnt put up with many of the things i did to him, i feel he has turned me into this manic person....im losing it...and he still hasnt gotten all his stuff out of here yet.. i keep telling him to but he wont listen...he is so mad at me right now for texting his girlfriend and filling her in about him but all i did was prove his theory is that i am a ****** up person and drove her to him even more..... i have made a fool of myself and im tired of it but apparently not enough cuz i keep doing that for which i dont want to do.. any good insight.. is this normal behavior? no its not i know...
