ThethreeCs

I dated my axbf for 6 years, at first it was rough. He was drinking, emotionally unavailable and trying to hold it together but it didn't work. One day, on his last legs, he went out for a few beers, and called me blacked out drunk hours later. It was obvious that he could not manage his drinking, but I was in as much denial as him. I knew he didn't want to give it up, and it meant facing the fact that I would lose him if I made him decide. But, I did it, and he chose to not drink for six months. It got better, but I was still making all the decisions, as he lived one day at a time. Then one day he wanted a glass of wine, and with his first sip his eyes lit up like it was liquid gold, and I knew I could never compete, but as an eager and well trained codependant I was under the guise that I could fix it, if he loved me enough.

Five years of me slowly trying to control his drinking, hating his drinking friends, focusing on being outside and doing healthy things, trying to be FUN, FUN, FUN but actually a stressed out control freak (while he looked eager to please and so normal --- while I was CRAZY). I planned our lives, his life and I felt overly responsible, anxious and alone. He cooled off the charm, started putting up walls, wouldn't commit to family or a future. Saying he would do things, and then not following through. Me, walking on egg shells, and being frustrated that I was shut out most of the time. He didn't know how to be happy and sober, so I tried to make his life exciting and fun.

He went along, and seemed to be enjoying the ride. But I was planning the vacations, the money, the dinner parties, the birthdays, encouraging him with schoo land work, and taking his drinking as something I HAD to fix. We fought, he denied, he lied, hid drinking, but "managed". Then one night he didn't come home. Then we went away for a month to school, and came back and decided to move out. The month away I went crazy, he wouldn't call at night, he wouldn't follow through, and then I found out through facebook that he was drinking every night and the pieces fell together.

So he went back to his family (5,000 kms away), I had found out he had spent all of his savings (10,000) throughout the last two years, and had been drinking and blew a ton of money while away. The walls and denial all made sense. But instead of accepting it, I talked to him every day while he was away, and believed I could not live without him. So instead of letting go, he came back and said he needed to deal with money and drinking and LOVED ME (aka - I know you won't let me fall too far).

So, after a year, nothing had really changed. He was going to counselling, but for all the wrong reasons. He didn't drink often, but I had to get really mad to stop him and tried to structure our life so alcohol was not involved. He started to resent me, saw all the fun drunk people were having and thought I was stopping him from enjoying life. So, I gave up and he started getting really hammered and hanging out with a new group. His best friends were pot heads and alcoholics. He went from admitting to having a problem after a bad night of drinking, to not having a problem after a week of no drinking. It was so confusing. I knew he was an alcoholic, but they can be so sneaky when they are managing it and avoiding life and social situations to be "normal". he convinced me I was crazy, and all people black out sometimes, or need two days to recover.

I asked him to leave, and for a few months all he did was watch tv and be depressed. Then, he said "I tried and it didn't work" and he found a hard core party group, and spent the last year doing drugs and partying, driving drunk, showing up at my house drunk, police at my door, in the drunk tank twice, missing work at least once a week. He would come back when he felt like it, and wanted a pity party, or a warm shoulder and I was a total CODEPENDANT. I felt guilty, like he was my responsiblity, and I became a doormat. He blew his credit, lost his car, is in major debt, and got suspended from work three times, and is on the verge of losing his job.

I went to alanon, found a counsellor, worked on my codependency, read a ton of self help books, made a large group of supportive friends and started to let go. Contacting him less, blocking calls and texts, blocking emails, seeing him once every three weeks. Refused to drink with him, but still tried to be a "friend"

When I stopped enabling, I sensed that he had someone else. So after saying he loved and missed me and having a physical relationship with me, I found out again on Facebook, that he has had a girlfriend since the fall, and he was still keeping me hooked by his quacking.

I went no contact Dec 27th. 7 weeks. I think about him all the time, saw him once and walked away. I didn't want to call him, but I couldn't get him out of my head.

Last night, Feb 14th, an unknown number called, and I answered. It was him, he had gotten a new phone plan. I was so happy to hear his voice. He told me all the charming alcoholic things I wanted to hear. This girl means nothing, even though he is heading to Ottawa with her for the week. He is just "using her not to feel", she is 10 years younger, she won't challenge him on his drinking because she knows he will leave, he has an appt with a counsellor, he misses me and my family, he loves me. He is tired of drinking and feeling like sh*t and not having money or doing anything with his life and time. I applied for school in his home city, and he wanted to know if I had gotten in, and was leaving the province.

I did not try to fix, I listened. I didn't offer advice, or excessive sympathy. But really, I should want NOTHING to do with him. Then he said he wanted to have sex with me, and has already cheated on his girlfriend with a friend. It's a mess, and I want to let go. This disease takes the best of people and destroys it. Codependency has taken the best of me.

Any advice on how to move forward? I am vowing for no contact. But does anyone ever feel they use you as a sounding board? I feel like his conscious, he calls me to be his moral compass in life. I did really well on the phone and did not enable or caretake, but now I feel depressed and unfocused. I have great friends, awesome job, amazing family, but feel STUCK. It feels like I WANT to be miserable.

Right now, I am taking care of me and paying attention to how his contact affects me so I can remember the next time I get a text or phone call.

Why do alcoholics keep coming back and can't be alone?
He has a new girlfriend, why is he is still trying to say he loves and wants to be physical with me? She is a fixer, and ten years younger, energetic, lover of life...she is naive and thinks she can fix it. She is willing to plan his life and do the work to make him look normal.
It doesn't make any sense that he still needs to contact me and try to "prove" he can change. I thought once he found an enabler he would leave me alone. But when he calls, I don't have the self control to hit the "reject" button.

Thanks for listening.