Currently sitting at the break table at work with a particularly challenging day.in.customer service, pelrsonal hormonal imbalances, and a trying time with my best friend I'm a little on edge. I work in retail and ironically as a bartender, its a belief of mine not to be afraid of alcohol but to respect it and not hide from fears. It comes from my dog training background. With dogs the most dangerous dog in a room is not the aggressive one, because you know it and see it. The most dangerous dog in the room.is the one whale eyed tail between its legs cowering, because you never know what its intent or next move may be. It sound round about but for that reason I refuse to be held down by my fears. That being said, for this reason I became a bartender, its social interaction I veer from (I hate eye contact it takes a lot of love and trust for me to give it and receive it, I've learned to socially cope by instead looking at someone's forehead or cheek when it'd too overwhelming) also, drunk individuals can be infuriating. When I'm in the midst of a situation I cannot get away from such as an unruly shut off, a key taking gone awry , or a bar fight. I have trained myself to move slower, assess more, say less. Response to that and to handle the raised adrenaline, my muscles tighten. When the time has passed I will excuse myself to the kitchen.and allow for two minutes of deep breathing while I systematically reloosen the muscles.
When in a situation I can remove myself from I do. However, I do worry sometimes this makes me a doormat. One fear that still controls me is the fear of myself, I've blacked out in.anger and done some things I'm not very proud of. My freezing tends to be both of fear of myself and of others. Anger is still one of my biggest problems as an aca, learning how to have healthy responses to negative stimuli without going overboard or without being a doormat is a constantly challenging aspect for me.
As for the physical I would very much like to become intimate with someone, however my panic at being.held usually gets the best of me. I always try to remember and count myself blessed that it came to ly attention so early about the community and support of acoa, more time to heal and enjoy my life!