kizzie

I've just left the house heading for the pub after making sure my husband has what he needs to get our 2 yo tucked into bed. Given that I'm binging 1-2 times a week now, it's only a matter of time before DH has to share my problems with my 12yo stepson, who has enough of this ******** to deal with already. Probably DH will give SS the story tonight. My husband married an alcoholic. He knew it when he married me but surely not when he met me. Sometimes I feel like he's challenging me; I picked up the wine today after he gave me 45 minutes on my own while he went to the physio, and he knew I was feeling fragile. NO!!! I know it's not on him. I ******* hate this disease, what it does to me, and what it does to my intelligent, capable, reasonable mind. I've been standing on the corner of my block for 5 (10, 15, 20) minutes typing this in the semi-conscious hope that he will come out and rescue me from myself, but I know it's not about him. He has to get our baby and his son ready for bed. In no small way I'm glad that's on him because I'm tired of feeling the bedtime routine (from 4:30-7:30) is all mine, and I want him to know what it feels like. But of course now it will all continue to be about my drinking. I'm going to keep walking now, and as you know from experience I will keep drinking until I'm ready to stop no matter what you say. For me, it will probably be about 11pm when the pub mgr kicks me out, thankfully. Then I will walk home and feel mortally, horribly ashamed of myself for two days. Then I will start over again and pray pray PRAY that it will stick forever next time or at least for several years like last time.