Originally Posted by
Payne 
I was abused when I was younger. Other physical contact was minimal. Several years ago.I was at first forced into.becoming a hugger. I've learned to enjoy it. But I tense, my whole body, most noticeably my jaw, I lock jaw anytime I touch someone, any tome I hug them, anytim I pet my animals.
I have two thoughts, one is a fear or pain considering most of.my physical interactions.went as such as a kid.
The other is my concern of ntinuing the cycle. I have a temper which I have gotten help on.and is in a much better place than ever before. But I treat myself like an anger addict. I have to be vigilant, I can't slip. I think that tenseness resonates, so when I try to touch another living thing I go into hyper control....anyone else do this or has?
Reading this was like reading about myself. I was forced into learning to cope with physical touch when I became a mother. It was okay at first, when my oldest was an infant. I really liked holding her. But then they grow into squirmy toddlers, and it's "touch touch touch touch touch." After my second child was born and I had two little ones, it was almost unbearable. Absolute sensory overload with all the touching, bouncing around, and wanting to be held. It's gotten better. Buddhist mindfulness and meditation techniques have helped a lot. I do enjoy the still times - just sitting quietly and cuddling with my kids or with my husband. I find it quite nurturing. I also have to set aside my aversion to physical contact with other humans because I think it's a pretty big deal for kids to have lots of nurturing and loving touch. I would do anything for the benefit of my kids, so that helps me ride the wave of the feelings of panic and tension that arise sometimes.
I am still pretty jumpy when it comes to other people though. Especially the accidental brushes or bumps. Those kind of things send me through the roof. My guess is that it's the combination that you described from childhood....an abundance of painful touch, combined with a lack of nurturing touch. There are probably some interesting connections in our brains. Touch = physical and emotional pain, fear, danger, fight/freeze/flight, etc. That neural pathway is well-worn.
I am curious about how you've learned to manage your anger. I am in the same boat - with what you described as "hypercontrol." What has worked, and what has helped you? I have struggled with anger for much of my life. Again, the buddhist techniques have helped, but I still have a lot of fear around anger and losing control.