How do I break his dependence on me?
My partner comes from a highly enmeshed family of alcoholics who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and make constant excuses for their situations. It's excruciating.
His mother coddled him, while simultaneously neglecting his wellbeing. A strange mix. To this day, she calls him at the drop of a hat and expects him to come running. She has been a terrible role model for him. He, in turn, seems to think all women will cater to his every needs so he doesn't have to. His alleged dyslexia has meant I have done all his paperwork for him since I met him. He just got home from work (it's 10pm here) and I have just finished work too (I work from home). I have been at it since about 8am. I have picked up some kind of awful stomach bug and have felt terrible, yet have worked all day, stopping only to do a load of washing. I am now cooking dinner.
I ask him to do one thing, the one thing he has postponed and postponed and postponed and promised again he would do tonight. He now says he can't because he's been working all day and tired. It never seems to occur to him that I have done the same thing, but that I didn't have the massive break in working he had so he could sit around drinking all day and night. Thankfully those days are over, but this dependence remains.
That one thing I have asked him to do will take him about five minutes, and I literally can't do it for him. It is a small part of his visa application for my country, which is an extremely intense and taxing process. I have been working on it for months. Interesting that given it is his visa, I have done 99.9999% of the work on it on account of the fact he never seems to get around to it. This includes navigating his country to obtain documents in his language and trying to find the proper authorities to certify and translate them.
Please don't get me wrong, I realise me doing this for him is stupid, stupid, stupid, but it is better for the both of us if we leave this country as soon as possible.
Besides being a substantial rant, the aim of this thread is to ask for advice on how to break his dependence on me. I have been successful in many respects (housework, cooking, etc). This progress is not to be sniffed at given the strong gender roles in his family which mean he is mocked for doing these things and I am treated like an incomplete woman. But I am tired of feeling like I have the burden of two people's day-to-day bill paying, correspondence, emails, appointment making and endless reminders, organising trips and night out, gifts for family members, etc etc always square on my shoulders. I'm not sure if this is an alcoholism thing (though he quit drinking a couple of months ago), or just a relationship thing. He honestly thinks he can't cope without me.
Any thoughts?