hades

I was lying in bed just now and it dawned on me that I was a member of this forum at one point. During the lowest, weakest time in my own recovery, I would log on daily just to read stories and posts from others to get me through the day. This forum was such an inspiration to me and filled me with comfort and endless support. It was only right that I come back and give an update that may somehow help others.

I read through some of my old threads, and I am so proud of how far I have come. I have zero contact with my X boyfriend. That in itself is a complete miracle because I NEVER could see my life apart from him. I was SO sick, so deep in my codependency. I was just as sick as he was. I remember a friend offering godly counsel and suggested I throw away his letters from jail as the bond he and I shared was a toxic soul tie. I couldn't, I wouldn't. How dare that Pastor ask that of me! Those letters, full of broken promises and deceit, were thrown away months ago without a second thought. I would never entertain the idea of changing my phone number and I struggled with this thought because really, I wanted to leave that door open, even if I couldn't admit that to myself. I have changed my phone number twice actually. And I did so without even thinking about him. I have made so many small choices in my life that have had the biggest impact in my recovery. As I sit here tonight and really think about my progress, I feel so much VICTORY in my life. I AM FREE.

I cut all ties with my X, his family, his friends. It was painful. In the most simplest of terms, I took the focus off of him and I adjusted that focus to me. I remember someone on this site asking me what my breaking point was. That comment stayed with me for months.

I am engaged to be married to the most wonderful man, who is completely drug-free and serves God alongside me! He is who I prayed my X could be. I forgot what a normal relationship was like and sometimes I am taken aback by my fiance and his ... gentleness. I am grateful for where I am and I am finally happy, but I still remember every day I cried myself to sleep over my X, his sickness and my own.

I just want to encourage those that struggle with addiction in their lives. I want to lift your head today. Please take care of your precious self. Letting go is the most loving thing you can do for the addict in your life, because it allows God. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. You must make a choice, to take a chance, or your life will never CHANGE. My heart aches and I pray for all that are affected by addiction.

Be strong. Blessings.