Same here, I tried for 20 years and never discovered the secret to normal drinking. I remember drinking once because a friend posted a picture of a beer on Facebook, I figured "I can't quit. What if I visit this guy and he wants to go out for beers?" Mind you, I had never visited this guy, but just wanted to keep the option open. I finally realized, that as an alcoholic, I was just looking for an excuse to drink.
My alcoholism really became apparent when my drinking buddies started to avoid me because I drank too much. That's a sad day... but I carried on for some more years. Never did find the trick to normal drinking, so I gave up trying.