I'm not judging your sobriety, you told us yourself you were on Step 1. So you haven't worked all the steps yet. I'm trying to be encouraging and let you know that things get better as you move through the program. Or as I was told, "Don't quit before the miracle."
Clearly my heartfelt posts encouraging you, relating my personal experiences, and trying to answer your questions aren't what you wanted to hear. I truly wish you well.