He S -L -I -P -P -E -D
This won't surprise any of you, and it doesn't come as a shock to me. Boyfriend slipped up on Thursday after being clean 8 days from cocaine.
I am not angry at him. I couldn't tell that he used even. He confessed it to me yesterday, and was feeling very low. He used after working a very long shift at work, and after seeing his new counselor for the 3rd time. He intends to get back on the horse and keep working on it.
I do feel sad. I can tell he is hurting. He apologized to me, but I told him he had nothing to apologize for because I could see he was trying hard, and I wasn't hurt or disappointed in him.
In truth, I was hurt that he waited to tell me about the slip. The same day he used, he ended up at my house cooking a special dinner for us. He even bought me flowers and was being romantic. We had a very intimate night, and yet with that closeness he kept it from me.
The rational part of me knows that this belongs to him, and he did not even have to tell me. It's about his coming to terms with the power this drug has over him, and going back to work to beat it.
I don't feel responsible for it, or like I could have stopped it, or like I can now fix it. But I have offered words of encouragement, and I have comforted him, told him this was something that will take time, and he has to look at the bigger picture.
Im also confused a little because he said he was afraid to tell me, because I might be disappointed in him, and even question staying with him; seems like the slip made him feel like he failed. We have talked openly about his use for almost a year, and I have never given him the indication that I would leave simply because he used. For me, it is about how he treats me, and how well he is managing his life, being stable, reliable, etc. These things are good right now.
Sorry for rambling. I have no one to talk to about this. There is nothing anyone can really say I know. Im not obsessing, but its tough seeing someone you love hurting, that's all.